Being tenacious and seeking balance in the midst of angst

Seeking a trail that’ll help me to let go of fear and find hope again. Lately I have been running from my constant thoughts of judgement, of being scared and feeling like I have no idea where I need to go. I am seeking. I am ready to start letting those thoughts go, to not live in the chaos the ego brings about any longer, and walk firmly and confidently on this Earth, my home. It is time to gather my habits and relinquish all thoughts, feelings and especially behaviors that don’t serve my highest self.

I’m stuck between "doing me" and wanting to constantly please those around me. In time, I have build up walls around my heart with the bricks of pain and regret but instead of breaking down those walls I am trying to build around them.

Finding my Way

“Life is just like a voyage where the waves of time push us forward”

Ever since I was a little girl, I often found myself wandering what this was all about. I would read and write about all sorts of things that I found interesting, such as a short poem about bravery, or how I loved my sweet grandfather. I loved to play with words, more specifically in the Armenian language, which is where I come from.. I was always happy, I loved to explore, play with my friends outside, (even though there was some foot rope game that I wanted to play but never got good at it), write in my journal and play chess as a hobby. Armenia is a beautiful country. I have very fond memories of it and will forever hold them dear to my heart. The hospitality there is wonderful, where we believe in one love, unity, staying true to your roots and doing everything with spirit.

When I was ten I came to America, and everything changed. I was so excited to be a part of something so great! I mean come on, I’m moving to America! Everyone would always greet me with a smile and I appreciated their generosity and kindness. School was convoluted in nature. I was ahead in math, but trying to keep up with the English language. That leads me to my next point. I think that through such a big culture gap, I needed that oomph to do well in school. I struggled a lot when I first got here and that piloted in me not prioritizing my life as well as I could have been until I got to high school. It was more play than work.

When I got to college, I was enthralled by numerous opportunities that were available to me and I took a chance. Sophomore year of college, I had an unfortunate experience that had let me traumatized and I am coping up to this day. Every day, battling my anxiety, my fears, that voice of judgment that leaves me wondering what I did wrong to deserve such heartache. I’ve been battling with what I believe to be PTSD for quite sometime, but doctors seems to think it’s something else. I have walked with confidence my whole life, “with a purpose” they say, thus I’m fighting as hard as I can to not let the low points of my life to dictate the way I choose to live my life.

Filling the void

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

I have been feeling like an ostrich, wanting to hide in the sand because I don’t know what’s going to transpire in the next moment. I reach my hand out to God and ask for his guidance. His full jolly belly tickles my giggle box. “You’re ready!” he tells me. I’m awake. I hold my faith instilled within and propel to move mountains with the hope I have and am sure of.

Kristina. Remember to look for the possibilities that help you realize you ought to replace your fears, your judgements, and anger by trusting the universe, loving yourself unconditionally and being patient and caring while being aware of the chaos amidst this world. We’re all suffering. Some more than others, but at the end of the day, remember that we are all one and we are all on this ride together and can overcome suffering by simply allowing it to be.

Life has been crazy. The turbulent ocean waves of despair have been keeping me trapped in my mind and feeling insecure so I’m challenging myself to seek out opportunities that will encourage who I am becoming and overcome those obstacles keeping me at bay. Surrender. I want to feel spirit and be able to do things for myself, without having to explain myself to anyone, as to “why or how?” I’m starting over. I’m alchemizing the pain into love. Creating boundaries. I will see to it that I rise again.

Do not say that I’ll depart tomorrow because even today I still arrive.

Look at me: I arrive in every second to be a bud on a spring branch, to be a tiny bird whose wings are still fragile, learning to sing in my new nest, to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower, to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.

I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry, in order to fear and to hope, the rhythm of my heart is the birth and death of all that are alive.

I am the mayfly metamorphosing in the surface of the river. I am also the bird which, when spring comes, arrives in time to eat the mayfly.

I am a frog swimming happily in the clear water of a pond. I am also the grass-snake who, approaching in silence, feeds itself on the frog.

I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones, my legs as thin as bamboo sticks. I am also the merchant of arms, selling deadly weapons to Uganda.

I am the 12-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat, who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea pirate. I am also the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving.

I am a member of the politburo, with plenty of power in my hand. I am also the man who has to pay his “debt of blood” to my people, dying slowly in a forced labor camp.

My joy is like spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom in all walks of life. My pain is like a river of tears, so full it fills up all the four oceans.

Please call me by my correct names, so that I can hear all my cries and my laughs at once, so I can see that my joy and pain are but one.

Please call me by my correct names, so I can become awake, and so that the door of my heart be left open, the door of compassion.